Cinco De Mayo 2020
Today is Cinco de Mayo, the celebration of the Mexican victory in the 1862 Battle of Puebla and an American excuse to drink as much as possible. Indeed, beer sales on the 5th of May are akin to those during the Super Bowl provided there isn't a global pandemic. Many Americans believe that Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexican independence but then 46% of Americans believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old so we aren't a reliable source of accurate information.
Mexico had been a sovereign nation for more than 50 years before the Battle of Puebla, having won their independence from Spain in 1810 (September 16, Mexican Independence Day, is a much bigger deal to Mexicans than Cinco de Mayo). The young nation found that being a young nation means people pick on you a lot and Mexico found itself at war throughout the early part of the 19th century, including with us, and accrued debts it could not pay off. In 1861, the Mexican president told Britain, Spain and France that it would not be making any payments for two years, which went over poorly. Lest you think Mexico is a deadbeat, keep in mind that America earned her fair share of debt in our first 50 years and the only reason we didn't have to stop payments ourselves is because half the country wasn't paying its labor force. Speaking of public debt, 100 years ago John D. Rockefeller could have wiped the slate clean for all of us on his own, today Bill Gates's entire net worth wouldn't cover two months' interest. WHEEEEE!
The British and Spanish simply wanted their money but the French, led by Emperor Napoleon III, wanted to establish spheres of influence in North America. Emboldened by America being distracted by the Civil War, France was gearing to replace flan with frog legs and soon became the only European combatant when the other two countries dropped out. Puebla was supposed to be a warm-up battle on the way to Mexico City, instead, on May 5, 1862, the much smaller Mexican force repelled the French like they were American tourists leaving a tip. Frenchmen have extra reason to dislike the 5th of May as Napoleon III's uncle, the short Italian fellow who should be familiar to anyone doing the #TolstoyTogether War & Peace challenge, died on that day in 1821.
So that's it, we celebrate Cinco de Mayo to commemorate the day a small band of scrappy Mexicans turned back a global power, freeing their shores from le menace à gros nez for good. Wait a minute, that's not quite right, it turns out the French returned with a bigger army a few months later, took Puebla, took Mexico City and effectively ruled the country for four years until American pressure made them leave. I know it's hard to believe that France, a country that had two kings die from playing tennis, could conquer a nation an ocean away but apparently it happened. Regardless, Cinco de Mayo is more of an American holiday to celebrate Mexican culture, just as Italian-Americans celebrate on Columbus Day, Irish-Americans celebrate on St. Patrick's Day and Karen-Americans celebrate Black Friday.
And there is quite a bit of culture to celebrate. Mexico is a fascinating country that takes its name from an ancient Aztec language that means "child of the moon." Speaking of ancient Aztec languages, there are only two people on earth who can speak Ayapaneco, a regional Aztec dialect. Their names are Manuel Segovia and Isidro Velazquez. They are in their 80s, they live less than a mile apart in southern Mexico and they hate each other and refuse to speak. Sticking with the Aztecs, anyone who has been struggling instilling discipline on their children in this time of quarantine should refer to the Codex Mendoza, a pictorial book which dedicates a page to Aztec child-rearing. This includes 8-year-olds being threatened with the spines of a cactus and 11-year-olds being held "bound and weeping," over a fire of burning chiles. These practices are undeniably cruel but apparently very effective when it comes to backtalk. More egalitarian (though no less painful) were the pregnancy practices of the Huichol Mexicans, indigenous people of the western part of the country. When a woman went into labor, strings would be attached to the testicles of the father, who would lay in an upstairs bedroom while the mother gave birth downstairs with the ends of the strings in her hands. When she felt a contraction, she would yank. Speaking as a man with an 8-month-pregnant wife, I've never been more glad to not be a Huichol Mexican.
Chihuahuas are named after a state in Mexico because people believed they were native there based on art showing Aztecs and Toltecs holding what appear to be small dogs. There is no archeological evidence to back this claim up and it is now believed the paintings show some kind of rodent, which is close enough. Turkeys are indigenous to Mexico, they were brought to Europe and sold to the rich by Turkish merchants which is where they get their name. Maize, another Mexican native, was called "Turkie corn" for the same reason. Turks, by the way, call turkey's "hindi" believing as they did that they come from India, which Mexico was believed to be. Caesar salad is another Mexican original, invented by Chef Cesar Cardin in Tijuana in 1923. Mexican children of my father's generation would have grown up watching the Lone Ranger and his sidekick Toro, which means "bull," because Tonto means "stupid" in Spanish. People who believe that Johnny Depp's portrayal of Tonto in 2013's The Lone Ranger was, uh, questionable should know that in German, "Depp" means "twit." It's coming to mean that in English too. In Spanish, the word for "weather" and "time" is the same. So is, ominously, the word for "wife" and "handcuffs." And remember, if you ask a Spanish-speaking person how old they are—"Cuantos años tienes"—please remember the tilda over the n, otherwise you are asking how many anuses they have. It's best to assume they only have one. Then again, we live in a world of 60 million horses and I've met at least that many horse's asses so somebody must be doubling up somewhere.
Anyway, on this day of celebration for our southern neighbors, tip a beer, enjoy your day and viva la Puebla.