Since the makers of Movie 43 (2013) decided they don’t respect you enough to create something that is comprehensible or narrative or funny, I’ve decided simply to give 43 reasons why you should not see this movie, you should stop being friends with the people who want you to see it with them, and, should you find yourself on an airline from Hell that’s showing this movie during your flight, you should decide that it’s not that important that you go to Tucson* that day.
I thought long and hard about listing by name some of the people who made this movie, who are presumably (1) ashamed enough at the moment. I thought about this for maybe 10 minutes, which (2) represents about eight and a half** minutes more than anyone involved seemed to think about it, but I ultimately decided to name names, not to shame the performers but to warn off others and give you an understanding just how (3) despicable the movie is to have so much talent and do nothing with it. Do you remember in high school when the honor roll would come out and they’d post it in the hallway and parents and teachers would look at that list with respect for the names found on it? (4) The IMDB page for Movie 43 is the opposite of that. (5) It’s depressing to think that these people of great worth are making (6) idiotic jokes that (7) wouldn’t make the dimmest kid in the seventh grade laugh.
We have a blind date between Hugh Jackman+^# and Kate Winslet+^# in which (12) the joke, and it’s never developed beyond this, is that (13) Jackman has testicles growing out of his neck. There’s a sequence in which Liev Schreiber^# and Naomi Watts+# home–school their teenager and give him the full “high school experience” by (14) bullying him, not inviting him to parties at their house and pressuring him to have sex with (15) both of them. Anna Faris and Chris Pratt play a couple so in love that they’ve decided to take the next step and (16) defecate on each other, a proposition Pratt takes so seriously he gorges himself on Mexican food to make their first time special. Emma Stone# and Kieran Culkin# play a couple whose form of banter includes (17) asking about each other’s HPV. Richard Gere^#, Kate Bosworth and Jack McBrayer^discuss the safety of their product, the iBabe, an MP3 player that is a (18) life-size replica of a naked woman that has an exhaust fan in its nether regions, the (19) “vagiport” as they refer to it. Purchasers are finding themselves maimed by after (20) sticking parts of themselves in it. (21) The iBabe doesn’t speak or interact; it just plays music and is naked. (22) There is a fake commercial that warns female swimmers who are experiencing their periods to avoid the ocean for fear of starting a shark frenzy. (23) This is not the only menstrual-based skit in the movie. We have Gerard Butler as a (24) testicle-obsessed leprechaun and Terrence Howard+# as a basketball coach of a mid-’60s all-black college team whose advice includes reminding his players that they’re black with helpful nuggets like (25) “You have a foot and a half dick, dribble with that shit.” (26) Snooki is in this movie.
(27) Saturday Night Live wouldn’t even think about using these skits. (28) Even Mad TV would pass on this garbage. (29) The funniest line is an off-color remark about the Holocaust that comes out of discussing circumcision. Take that as you might. (30) The funniest sequence involves a character (an Oscar winner) blowing out the candles of a blind child’s birthday cake. (31) Movie 43 is included on the Wikipedia “list of films considered the worst,” a list that includes Batman & Robin (1997), which is (32) twice the movie that Movie 43 is. Halle Berry+^# is an Oscar-winner, a fashion plate, a humanitarian, an NAACP Image Award Winner and now, a person who (33) mashed guacamole with her right breast on film. Oh, (34) and she uses a turkey baster to insert hot salsa into herself as well.
(35) There is a credits gag-reel that isn’t funny either, but it does include the laughter of the crew members, meaning you can familiarize yourself again with that sound after an afternoon of having it withheld from you. You may, with proper coaching, be able to produce it again yourself. If you compare this movie to a city council meeting in which the possibility of a new highway bypass is the topic of discussion, you probably won’t laugh much more during the meeting (though you might—it’s possible you might laugh once and therefore surpass Movie 43’s total), but you won’t be overcome with the same (36) sadness because the city council isn’t trying to be funny.
The worst of it is, it wants to be edgy, it wants to shock you but feels (37) simply lazy. You will sit there (38) stone-faced, (39) uninterested and (40) embarrassed for everyone involved, especially the writers, who, more than the poor stars, are to blame for this. (41) It lasts only 90 minutes which might seem like a positive until you realize that (42) each minute of this movie feels like an hour, making it (43) twice as long as the 48-hourThe Longest Most Meaningless Movie in the World (1968), a movie whose title must have inspired this one.
*Trust me, any flight that is showing Movie 43 is headed to Tucson
**Please don’t take that coincidental figure as an indication that Movie 43 has anything to do with Federico Fellini or any other great film artist.
+Denotes Oscar nominee or winner
^Denotes Emmy nominee or winner
#Denotes Golden Globe nominee or winner