Look around you, it’s today. Today is the day that, during the Civil War, Arkansas seceded from the Union, which was thought to be a fringe benefit of the conflict. However, once defeated, the Confederacy insisted that the Union take Arkansas back, which made Lincoln cry “Must this war ruin everything?” in his high-girly voice.
“Preserve the Union, yes, but at what cost? I mean, Arkansas? Really?”
-Today is the day, in 1882, Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which, was supposed to stop all immigration from China for a 10 year period, although it wasn’t actually repealed until the 1940s. It’s hard to believe an Act with an inflammatory name like that could pass but consider that its original name was The We Already Have the Railroad, We Don’t Need Anymore Act.
-Today, the Eiffel Tower officially opened in Paris. It is universally acknowledged as the most romantic place in the world, unless you are French, as they refer to it as “The nine-hundred foot turd.*”
*They don’t call it that. I’ve been there. They use the metric system so they call it “The three-hundred meter turd.”
-Today, the German zeppelin Hindenburg caught fire and was destroyed over New Jersey which should have surprised no one considering that Hindenburg is German for “Dangerous bag of gas.”
-Today is International No Diet Day, an annual celebration of body acceptance and eating whatever the fuck you want. The day was first celebrated in England in 1992 but Americans have been celebrating it everyday for much longer than that.
“No, it’s ok, it’s May 6th.”
The brilliant director Max Ophüls was born today, director of one of my favorite movies, Lola Montès (1955). Orson Welles, who may be the greatest filmmaker who ever lived, was born today. Welles undoubtedly made the greatest movie of all time but I’ve decided to focus on his drunken commercial acting instead today. Willie Mays, the greatest living ballplayer, is 83 today. George Clooney, my very good friend, was born today.
Henry David Thoreau died today. In his eulogy they said, “He died as he lived; making long-winded, convoluted analogies about life using ants or trees or some bullshit.” L. Frank Baum, who I’m sure was real proud of Oz: The Great and Powerful (2013), died today.