May 3

Well, well, well. It’s today again. Today is the day the Anne Frank House museum opened in Amsterdam, honoring the life and struggle of the world’s biggest Belieber. It’s also the day that electronic spam was sent for the first time, in 1978, in which every email address on the west coast was given the opportunity to “GROW Y0UR C0CK 1N 3 DAYS!1!!” Today Lieutenant Colonels Joseph Fletcher and William Benedict became the first people to land a plane on the North Pole, killing Santa, who had gone rogue. Today, the sport of geocaching was first played. Geocaching is a highly sophisticated form of hide and seek using GPS coordinates to hide things. However, there’s something geocachers can never hide; their virginity. Today in 2003, the “Old Man of the Mountain,” a geological phenomenon in New Hampshire where, if you looked from the right angle, a mountainside appeared to have a man’s face in profile on it, collapsed, leaving a disjointed, fractious mess where the face should be. It’s now called the “Joan Rivers of the Mountain.”

It’s Constitution Day in Poland, celebrating the codification, in 1791,  of the first democratic constitution in Europe and the second such constitution in the history of the world. “What’s that? The first democratic constitution was codified and Poland and not in England or France or some other place that we don’t equate with beets and mustachioed women?” That’s right, you racist*, the first constitution in Europe was in little ol’ Poland while the Brits and the Frogs were messing around with kings and emperors. Let me explain; May 3 is also Constitution Day in Japan but their silly little document wasn’t codified until 1947. 

*Polish women are beautiful. It’s science. 

Niccolo Machiavelli was born today, two weeks early, after manipulating his mother’s amniotic sac into convulsing early for his own political gain. Sugar Ray Robinson, the greatest middleweight of all time, was born today as was Ron Popeil who, more than anyone, exemplifies the American dream by making his fortune by selling rotisseries to the fat and the lazy. Levi Johnston, the fertile youth who somehow turned knocking up his girlfriend into a life that results in a wiki page that calls him an “American model, actor and author,” was born today.

 

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